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This took a lot of work to put together!

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

by Jim Kearney (member of Chez Carlos Golf Society)

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,he hears his friend shouting out cries of…
‘Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE UGH!’
‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’
This goes on ALL NIGHT LONG.In the morning, the two met up at breakfast, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’
The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection.’
The second dwarf shook his head. and said ‘You think that’s embarrassing?
I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:
‘Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’ said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodaiki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:
‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, little Hodaiki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodaiki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice:

‘Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”