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For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
And thanks for the memories.
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill’.

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.

ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance, Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

Give me a sense of humor;
Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humour out of life,

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:

‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 6 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers’.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!’

‘No,’ I replied, ‘I’m just a shit golfer.’

Rule 1.a.5: A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The golfer should not be penalized for tall grass which green keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2. d .6 (B): A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3(G): There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4. c .7(h): If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5: Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k): There is no penalty for so-called ‘out of bounds’. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7..G.15(z): There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers’ shortcomings.

Rule 8. k .9(S): Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.